not like I thought

Sometimes I wonder, why? Why am I nearly 34 years old, single, without children, working at a job i like (don't love) and yearning for so much more?

I've always had dreams of being a mother. I used to want 10 kids, that's when I was really young and didn't quite get it. Then it was 7, because that's how many my mom had and we all turned out pretty great. Then 5, well because it's a good number. Then 3, because let's face it, kids are expensive. Now I will settle for just 1, because it is the deepest desire of my heart.

I see a baby these days and my ovaries ache. I hear a baby cry and I start to shush and in my head calm the child. I see someone else holding a baby and start to sway as if I were holding and rocking the baby.

I talk myself into loving what is. Loving what I do have in my life. 23 amazing nieces and nephew whom I love and adore and entertain me. My sweet puppy who gives me kisses and snuggles me at night.

I pray, and hope with all of my heart and soul that one day I will find a man that will love me and wants to have a family.